two eyes, two ears.

The Art of Stepping In My Shoes.

I’ve been doing volunteering works for as long as I could remember. even before I understand the meaning of “volunteering” itself. I’ve been instructing traditional musical group for years, teaching poor kids for months, being ambassadors in several local cultural events, working effortfully with several student organizational bodies, offering helps to some charity events, even just passing all my knowledges.. for years. and I’ve been doing all that regardless of money and time. I’ve been doing it all for free.

I do watch movies as well as do the outings as a large part of my social life. I do smile and laugh a lot and do some stupid things along with my besties. but still, for me, having a real social life means spending my time for humanity. I mean, in the presence of other millions unlucky beings in the whole world, how could such lucky ones like us not having this tickling thing inside our hearts, whispering us to go make the best out of ourselves towards, at least—if not humanity, our own communities?

one big, surprising thing did happen here, in the UK, when I first arousing my intention to go on a volunteering program. it was a simple question.. a least expected one.

“why do you want to do something unpaid?”

and still I have no answer for it. I mean, must there be a reason for doing just a simple, right thing?

…

and now I’m sitting here with a coffee in my windowsill.. trying to figure out some things from a different perspective. recalling my memories.

…

several years ago, in one of those youth-struggling moments in which I can barely remember, an old friend once told me this certain thing regarding money, which I did not really understand well at that time. “you see,” he said, “when people begin to understand money, when they begin doing things for money, then nothing will remain the same.”

“the bond between a paid worker with his employer might be just as strong.. but it’s just basically a matter of money. take the money out from the worker, take the worker’s right to receive money, or just when the employer gone to a bankruptcy.. it will all be gone. the bond will just be gone.”

“but look at us now,” he continued, “look at the bond we’ve made. look at how the bond between you and I will never be broken down.”

I looked at him, partly confused. “that’s because you and I are doing things in which we believe in. do you believe in what we’re doing now, Kepi?”

I nodded. without a doubt. “then nothing will ever tear our bond apart.” he smiled.

…

now that I recall it over and over and over again, it was when I did those volunteering things I did gain most of my confidence, strong willingness towards everything, hardworking-ness, and these excessive energy within myself. in short, volunteering life shaped up my whole being.

I was raised this way in my early youth age and I am very grateful for it. I am very grateful for everyone I passed and for everything I encountered in my early journey. only God knows how much I owe myself to you.

…

he read my questioning mind and answered my deep, buried curiosity. “you know you’ll never get any money for doing anything here.” he looked at me deeply, “but someday, somehow you’ll find out how your hard works will very much improve your life and how it will always make a better you.”

…

and, apparently, he was right. I owe you my life for that, buddy. if only you knew. :)

The Tale of A Kite and Its Runner.

Once upon a time, there’s a man who fell in love with his only kite. He learned how to run his kite, he learned how to make it fly higher, and he even learned how to stabilize his kite.

So that his kite would fly higher.

And so the kite stayed still. She loved him back. She managed to fly high, to see things differently, to be able to see all the beauty from far, far high.

And so they became part time lover, and a full time friend.

…

One day, the kite asked her man about the beauty of the vast sky. About how the world would look like from up above, from up higher.

“Of course the higher sky is even more beautiful.”

She asked to fly higher. She wondered how it feels like to be up higher.

“The sky up there is filled with cloud. The Earth from up there would look more like a round-shaped Earth. You would feel freedom. And more beauty lies within.”

“But there, the higher you are, the more I am unable to watch you. To stabilize you. You might fly through the wrong directions.”

She hesitated.

But the outer world, the higher sky fascinated her more.

…

“I need to fly higher.” the kite decided.

“So then I have to cut off the yarn that binds us. But don’t worry, once you lost your direction, fly even more higher. There will be another kite runner who’ll hold longer yarns and who’ll guide your flights.” the man comforted her.

“And you yourself would find another kite within your own beautiful sky.” she comforted him back.

Then he ran his kite for the last time, stretch it high, high, higher, until he could not see her anymore. Until the yarn cut off.

And that was how they cut the bond. So that the kite would be able to see all the views from far above, and that the runner would be able to keep on running the other kites that’ll suit his skills best.

…

End of story. :)

(photo credit here.)

Jeda Waktu.

Saya tahu. Bahwa terdapat jeda waktu antara perbuatan baik dengan keuntungan kasat mata yang didapat daripadanya.

Bahwa bersenang-senang akan kita dapatkan setelah bersusah-susah terlebih dahulu.

Bahwa kepandaian akan didapat berdasarkan tingkat kerajinan seseorang.

Bahwa kekayaan adalah akumulasi kehematan dari selisih antara pemasukan dan pengeluaran harta.

Bahwa kebahagiaan adalah buah dari hal-hal baik yang sudah kita lakukan sampai saat ini.

Saya tahu semua itu. Saya juga paham bahwa penghargaan atas hal-hal baik yang kita lakukan tidak akan kita dapatkan begitu saja secara spontan. Saya mengerti bahwa memang terdapat jeda waktu diantara proses dan hasil yang didapat.

Lalu saya berpikir bahwa permasalahannya memang tidak selalu terletak pada kemampuan dan kemauan kita untuk melakukan hal-hal yang baik saja. Bahwa untuk menjalani jeda waktu terkadang jauh lebih sulit dilakukan daripada sekedar kemampuan dan kemauan untuk berbuat baik. Bahwa jeda waktu bisa merupakan bilangan berapa saja antara detik ke-nol dan detik ke-takhingga. Bahwa kita butuh untuk bertahan sampai mencapai bilangan penghubung antara perbuatan baik dengan kebahagiaan daripadanya. Bahwa terkadang kita butuh untuk diyakinkan, kebahagiaan itu memang ada.

Bahwa pada akhirnya, untuk saya, keyakinan atas adanya jeda waktu itulah yang selalu dapat menetralkan medan perang, sekaligus menjadi batas abadi antara pikiran dan perasaan saya sendiri.

Wahai kau, sang jeda waktu, tetaplah menjadi sebuah batas yang abadi. :)

A Contemplative Evening.

Inside the Building Physics laboratory, this evening.. As if there was somebody knocking at the window, as if something had caught my utmost curiosity.. As if I sensed a force telling me to.. I glanced outside the window and I saw.. such a peaceful, dusk, cloudless sky. Such a perfect blue sky.

I have never seen the sky so perfectly painted with blue before. Not when I’m in my own campus.

Not when I’m in my own campus.

…

I left my macbook on, left my Final Project works within, and I left for a 30-minutes walk outside. How come I have never enjoyed walking alone in the vast beauty of the dusk?

…

I walked straight through the Boulevard. I thought about how things were and how they were supposed to be. I thought about my feelings and I had a fight with my own logic.

…

I turned left through the Art Faculty, passed the Architectural Buildings. I thought about the people who might have shared my own feelings and ideas of how it felt like to be us. I thought about how they’ve successfully controlled things beyond their capabilities. I thought about myself being as tough as they were before.

…

I lingered along the East GKU Building to the School of Pharmacy. I reminisced my own past, I recalled the dreams, the reasons I’ve chosen my future choices by myself. Even though I’m always alone along the pathways pursuing my dreams…..

I looked up to the clear, darker blue sky. I closed my eyes. I took a long, deep breath. Even though I’m always alone along the pathways pursuing my dreams, I know God always embrace them. I know that God heard my prayers. I know that He’d eventually grant my every good intentions and that He’s going to wash away all my devil thoughts inside.

…

Finally I walked back to my own Engineering Physics building. I convinced myself that whatever happens, whatever kind of feelings I’ve got to deal with, in the end those would have nothing to do with the dreams I’ve painted. I convinced myself that feeling would only stay as a feeling, that it’ll never beat my logical thinking.

Because I need to stay as logical to pursue what have always been my dreams. I need to make them real someday. And yet I also need to enjoy my gifts as a human being. Therefore, feelings will be just feelings.

…

And I ended my contemplative evening with Maghrib Prayer. Now I’m feeling as grateful as if I’m on the peak point. Thank You very much, God. I know You’re there. :)

you know who you are.

Kenapa kamu selalu berdiri dan menatapku seperti itu?

Aku mengagumimu. Tahukah kamu? Aku sudah berada disini sejak bertahun-tahun lamanya dan aku hanya memperhatikanmu sedari dulu.

Mengapa kamu mengagumiku? Apakah kamu mencintai aku?

Pertamanya aku kira begitu. Namun ternyata lebih dari itu. Kamu telah menginspirasi dan menyentuh hatiku.

Tetapi aku tidak mencintaimu. Aku bahkan tidak mengenalmu sejauh itu.

Aku juga tidak mengenalmu sejauh itu. Dan aku tidak perlu mengenalmu sejauh itu untuk agar dirimu bisa menjadi sumber inspirasiku.

Tetapi aku tetap tidak mencintaimu.

Aku memang tidak memerlukan itu. Aku hanya butuh agar Tuhan dapat mencintaimu sama seperti aku mengagumi dan menyayangimu.

Tuhanmu adalah Tuhanmu. Mintalah saja kepada-Nya.

Aku memintanya pada setiap sujud dan tidurku.

Mengapa kamu lakukan itu?

Karena tanpamu, aku bukanlah aku. Karena aku percaya bahwa Tuhan—melalui kamu—telah memberiku banyak sekali formula untuk tumbuh dan berkembang menjadi aku yang sekarang.

Tetapi aku rasa aku tidak butuh untuk dicintai oleh-Nya. Aku melakukan dosa dan perbuatan nista murni atas kesadaranku. Aku menikmatinya. Dan kamu tidak berhak untuk menjauhkan perbuatan nistaku dariku.

Aku tidak berusaha untuk menjauhkan perbuatan nistamu darimu.

Lantas untuk apa kamu meminta kepada-Nya untuk mencintaiku?

Karena sepanjang hidupmu, kamu akan dapat menginspirasi banyak sekali orang. Puluhan. Bahkan mungkin ratusan orang sepertiku. Aku tidak ingin hal yang buruk terjadi kepadamu. Aku tidak ingin kamu berhenti menginspirasi orang lain.

Lalu memangnya kamu pikir dengan hanya menjadi inspirasi saja, Tuhan akan dapat memaafkan semua perbuatan nistaku?

Aku memang tidak mengerti perhitungan Tuhan atas surga dan neraka. Atas dosa dan pahala. Tetapi aku percaya, semakin banyak orang lain mendoakan dan meminta Tuhan untuk mencintaimu, pada akhirnya Ia akan meringankan atau menghapus dosamu sama sekali.

Mengapa kamu harus berdoa untukku? Mengapa tidak untuk dirimu sendiri saja?

Karena tanpamu, mungkin aku juga akan menjadi seperti kamu.

the mysterious way.

I once had my heart broken.

I used to ask myself. why her? why not me? what has she done to you? why is she more appealing to you? why why why?

as I grew older, I started to have feeling, I started questioning myself for what I had not yet received. for what I had not yet obtained. for all those shattered, broken feelings.

and then I started to like her the way you did. I started to love her the way you did. and I started to let go all those feelings, knowing that it might be better for me to care for her as much as you did. all I wanted to do was to make you happy.. and to make your life better. I knew you had a hard life back then.

so I took your part, I helped her carry on through her life the best I could.

and then I forgot about you. and then you’re fading away. I knew you no longer, you took no intention on me any longer. but the companion between mine and hers remained.. and that was the time when I realized that the bond of friendship is way more stronger than the bond of what we usually first perceived as love.

time flew so fast, as so did our lives separately fly.

and after years now, to my utter surprise, she still believes me as an inspiring, as her savior.. while I didn’t even remember and took account of what I’ve ever did to her. how does she possibly perceives me as an inspiring person while I was at that very young of age? and how did the “young” me ever had a purest feeling to even inspire a person?

love still remains a mystery to me. how it works, how it intertwines many souls, how it could trigger us to do something beyond our strength.. and how it could eventually make an everlasting bond.

I’m so glad I know her as my friend, and I’m so grateful that I—in a certain seemingly impossible way she could explain it herself—have inspired her this much. you’re always welcome. :)

Dear my inspiring little general-to-be, here’s what I have to write for you.

Ksatria kecilku, aku tahu kamu lelah berperang sendirian. Kamu telah terlalu lama berperang tanpa mengetahui arah, tanpa peduli waktu, tanpa takut musuh menghadang.

Ksatria kecilku, aku ingin kamu tahu bahwa kamu terlahir sebagai jenderal. Bahwa keberadaanmu merupakan anugerah bagiku dan bagi seluruh rakyatku. Beristirahatlah sejenak dan dengarkan kami memujamu.

Ksatria kecilku, kamu telah membangunkanku kembali dari tidur lamaku. Keberanian dan seluruh peperanganmu telah lama sekali menjadi mimpi indahku.

Ksatria kecilku, kamu kini tidak perlu lagi berperang sendirian.

Aku ingin berperang bersamamu. Aku ingin menjadi segenggam kekuatanmu. Aku ingin menjadi sekeping keberanianmu.

Aku ingin menjadi setitik bintang kecil di langitmu yang hitam. Aku ingin menjadi secerah awan putih di langitmu yang biru.

Ksatria kecilku, mari bersama-sama kita bangunkan sesosok jenderal hebat yang tertidur di dalam dirimu itu.

I’m giving up weeks ago, and..

However I tried to find the bonds between the thing and the rational reasons, I just keep on failing. The more I keep on searching, the more I find no bonds between.

And as inspiring as it might be, now you can just be anybody, you can just have your own reasons. Sometimes reasons have nothing to do regarding your dignity, regarding your eminence, regarding your nobleness. And however dark those reasons might be,

You’d still have my respect.

Thank you for showing me your darkest sides, because even though so, for me you’re still the brightest between them all. I wish you the best of life. :)